Shock Absorber or Leaf Spring? Handling Messy Relationships
- Thad DeBuhr
- Jul 15
- 16 min read
Study Guide: Colossians 3:12-13
Imagine waking up, stepping outside, and realizing you have a 10-mile hike ahead of you through a rugged, dusty desert canyon. The sun is blazing, the trail is covered in sharp rocks, and the temperature is climbing fast. Now imagine that instead of putting on durable boots, trail clothes, and a wide-brimmed hat, you walked out the door wearing a heavy, wool winter coat, flip-flops, and a pair of greasy rags wrapped around your hands.
It sounds ridiculous, right? You wouldn’t last a mile before your feet were blistered, your body was overheating, and you were completely miserable. You’d be totally unprepared for the terrain.
Yet, this is exactly how many of us walk into our relationships every single day. We step into our marriages, our workplaces, and our church communities expecting smooth pavement, totally unprepared for the relational potholes ahead. When someone cuts us off, leaves a mess, or says something offensive, we react out of habit. We pull on the old, dirty clothes of anger, impatience, and revenge. Then we wonder why our relationships feel like a broken-down truck rattling itself to pieces on a washboard road.
In Colossians 3:12–13, the Apostle Paul tells us that following Jesus requires a daily wardrobe change and a serious upgrade to our emotional suspension system. Following Jesus isn't a passive feeling; it takes intentional, everyday choices to dress for the road we're actually walking.
Setting the Scene
To truly understand what Paul is saying, we have to travel back to the first century to a small, ancient city called Colossae, located in what is now modern-day Turkey. Geographically, Colossae sat in a large river valley along a major trade route. In its prime, it was a bustling hub for the wool and dyed cloth industry. They were famous for a beautiful, unique red-purple wool fabric. The people living there knew all about high-quality textiles, weaving, and the status that came with wearing the right clothes.
However, by the time Paul writes this letter from a distant Roman prison cell around 60 AD, Colossae had lost its regional dominance to neighboring cities like Laodicea and Hierapolis. To make matters worse, the area was prone to violent, destructive earthquakes. The community was small, felt a bit left behind, and was deeply anxious.
Because it was a melting pot of different cultures, the young church in Colossae was getting bombarded with bad advice. Local teachers were telling them that to be safe from spiritual powers and catastrophic events, they needed to follow strict, rigid rules, worship angels, and maintain a legalistic checklist.
Paul writes this letter to ground them. In the verses right before our passage, he reminds them of a massive cosmic reality: when they chose to follow Jesus, their old self died, and their spiritual address completely changed. Because their identity was now secure in the resurrected King, Paul told them to aggressively evict their old, toxic habits—treating things like greed, malice, and lying like dirty, ruined clothing that had to be thrown directly into the trash.
Now, in verses 12 and 13, Paul switches from what they need to take off to what they must intentionally put on to survive and thrive together in a messy world.
🎵 Worship Response
My New Address
"My New Address" was inspired by Paul's powerful instructions to the believers in Colossae in Colossians 3:5–11. Paul reminds us that following Jesus means putting to death our old way of life, stripping off the old self, and embracing the new identity we've been given in Christ. This song celebrates the incredible truth that our old address no longer defines us—we belong to Jesus now.
As you go through the study guide, I would suggest reading or listening to the Bible passages in two different bible translations:
First read it in NASB or NKJV, then read it again from a NLT, NIV or ESV Bible.
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Walking Through the Passage
Let's look closely at how Paul starts this section in Colossians 3:12:
"Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."
Notice the absolute brilliance in how Paul sets this up. He does not start with a list of chores. He starts by reminding them who they are. In the ancient Jewish world, terms like "chosen," "holy," and "dearly loved" were reserved exclusively for the nation of Israel as God's covenant people.
Paul is doing something incredibly radical here: he is taking those prestigious titles and applying them to a mixed group of Jews and non-Jews (Gentiles) living in a minor Roman town. He is telling them, “Your identity is already secure. The King has picked you out, set you apart, and poured His love onto you. You don’t dress well to earn His love; you dress well because you are already loved.”
Once your identity is set, the action follows: "You must clothe yourselves."
In the ancient Roman empire, clothing was everything. It was your identity badge. You could look across a public square and instantly identify a Roman citizen, a slave, a soldier, a priest, or a magistrate just by the stripes, colors, and fabric of their garments. If a slave was freed, they changed their clothes. If a person was promoted to public office, they received a new uniform.
Paul is telling these believers that they have received the ultimate promotion. They are citizens of a new kingdom, so they need to stop walking around in the dirty rags of their old life.
This requires intentional, advance planning. Think about it like checking the weather forecast and laying your clothes out the night before a big trip. You don't wait until you're freezing in a rainstorm to look for a jacket; you put it on before you step outside.
Paul lists five specific garments we need to put on every single morning before we interact with a single human being:
Tenderhearted Mercy: This is deep, gut-level compassion. In the ancient world, showing mercy to the weak was often seen as a character flaw. Paul says it's the very first thing a Christian should wear.
Kindness: This is active goodness. It’s not just feeling friendly; it’s looking for practical ways to make life easier for the people around you.
Humility: In Greek and Roman culture, humility was despised—it was considered the shameful trait of a slave. But to the Jewish mind, influenced by the prophets, humility was the correct posture before God. Paul elevates it as a beautiful, essential garment for everyone.
Gentleness: This isn't weakness; it is power under control. It’s the picture of a massive, powerful horse allowing itself to be led by a quiet whisper.
Patience: This literally means "long-tempered." It’s the ability to take a long time before blowing up when things go wrong.
By intentionally putting these on every day, you are choosing your responses ahead of time. You are deciding to be kind before anyone has the chance to be rude to you.
Upgrading Your Shocks: The Suspension System of Grace
I bet you never imagined sitting down to study the Bible and hearing a teacher look at you and say, "Alright, for today's lesson, I want you to act like a heavy-duty automotive shock absorber." It sounds pretty funny, right? You won't find the words "potholes," "leaf springs," or "washboard roads" anywhere in the ancient text, but when we look at how Paul describes real relationships, it is the absolute perfect way to picture it.
To understand what Paul is saying here, we need to unpack a powerful mechanical metaphor: the automotive shock absorber.
If you have ever driven an old vehicle with a rigid, rusted-out leaf spring suspension and completely dead shocks, you know exactly what happens when you hit a washboard dirt road or a massive pothole. There is no give. The suspension has zero flexibility. Every single dip and rock on the trail results in a violent, metal-on-metal shudder. That destructive energy isn't absorbed; it is instantly slammed right up through the frame, rattling the passengers, loosening bolts, and eventually cracking the metal until the vehicle breaks down completely.
A functioning shock absorber changes everything. Its entire job is to handle the bumps, twists, and turns of a rough road. When the tire hits a massive hole, the shock absorber takes the hit. It expands and compresses, soaking up that violent, kinetic energy and neutralizing it so the frame of the vehicle stays completely stable and the passengers stay safe.
When Paul tells the Colossians to "make allowance for each other's faults," he is literally telling them to become the spiritual shock absorbers of their community.
Let's expand on the three key parts of this mechanical parable:
1. Expecting the Potholes ("Making Allowance")
The ancient Greek word Paul uses here for "making allowance" is anechomai. It means to bear with, hold up under, or endure. It carries the idea of creating physical space to tolerate something heavy or difficult.
If you drive down a rugged, unpaved backroad expecting it to be as smooth as a freshly paved highway, you are going to end up incredibly frustrated, angry, and with a broken axle.
The frustration doesn't come from the road; it comes from your unrealistic expectations.
Making allowance means building a suspension system into your relationships. It means entering your marriage, your job, and your church expecting people to be clumsy, moody, forgetful, or imperfect. You don't throw a fit when a pothole appears; you create the emotional and spiritual space to handle the bump without triggering a massive blowout.
2. Soaking Up the Impact ("Forgiving")
When someone offends you, cuts you down, or lets you down, a massive amount of destructive relational energy is released. If you are operating like a rigid leaf spring with zero give, your immediate instinct is to pass that hit right back. You slam them back with a sharp remark, a bitter attitude, or silent retaliation. You make sure they feel the jar of the impact.
But a Christian shock absorber acts differently. To forgive means you choose to absorb the cost of the bump rather than passing the vibration along down the line. You take the hit, bring it to the cross, and neutralize the pain through the massive reservoir of grace Jesus gave you. You decide that the cycle of hurt stops inside your suspension system and will not be passed on to your kids, your spouse, or your friends through gossip and revenge.
3. Maintaining Traction
The ultimate purpose of a shock absorber isn't actually to give you a comfortable, luxury ride—it's to maintain traction. When a vehicle with dead shocks hits a rough patch of washboards at high speed, the tires actually start bouncing wildly off the dirt. Because the tires are spending half their time in the air, they lose contact with the road, and the driver completely loses control of the vehicle.
When friction hits a community, our natural human instinct is to bounce away. We isolate, we disconnect, we build walls, and we lose traction with each other. Choosing to bear with one another and forgive keeps your wheels firmly glued to the ground. It ensures that even when the terrain gets incredibly rough, you maintain connection so you can keep moving forward down the path together.
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Why Context Changes Everything
When we look at a passage like Colossians 3:12–13, it is incredibly easy to treat Paul’s words as a standalone list of modern self-help tips or an excuse to let people walk all over us. If we don’t look closely at why Paul told this specific, anxious first-century church to change their clothes and bear with one another, we will completely miss the mark. Without the proper context, we turn a beautiful message about a secure spiritual identity into a heavy weight of exhausting religious performance. We break down the right and wrong ways to apply this exact passage so we can avoid the trap of fake politeness, protect ourselves from toxic relationships, and learn how to build a real, resilient suspension system that handles the actual bumps of life.
Applying It Wrong
The "Keep Quiet and Suffer" Trap
One of the most common ways people misuse verse 13 ("make allowance for each other’s faults") is using it to tolerate ongoing, toxic, or abusive behavior. People in power positions might tell someone, "You just need to be a shock absorber and forgive me," using the Bible as a weapon to sweep real damage under the rug. But Paul is talking about the daily frictions of an imperfect, diverse community—not enabling destructive behavior or ignoring injustice. Real forgiveness does not mean pretending a pothole isn't there; it means dealing with it honestly without trying to destroy the other person.
The Individual Self-Help Checklist
Many modern Western readers look at the list of garments in verse 12 (kindness, humility, patience) and treat it like a solo mindfulness routine. They think, "If I just meditate enough, I can feel peaceful by myself." But you cannot practice patience, gentleness, or forgiveness on a deserted island. Every single one of these traits is social. They only work when you are surrounded by messy people.
The Willpower Sweatshop
This is the legalistic approach where you wake up every morning and exhaust yourself trying to force yourself to be humble or gentle out of sheer willpower, treating it like a heavy list of religious chores. This completely misses Paul's point. If you forget that you are already chosen and deeply loved by God, your "grace clothes" will just feel like a fake, hypocritical costume rather than a real transformation.
🚫 Quick Warning: What NOT to Do or Say This Week
Now that we have this mechanical analogy in our heads, we need to make sure we don't weaponize it on the drive home. Here are a few things you definitely should not do in light of today's lesson:
Don’t call your wife a leaf spring. When your spouse gets frustrated or loses their temper this week, do not look at them and say, "Wow, someone is acting like a rigid, rusted-out leaf spring with zero give today." Trust me, that is a guaranteed way to turn a minor relationship bump into a massive multi-car pileup.
Don't act like a "Suspension Inspector" for everyone else. It is incredibly easy to sit back and grade everyone else's shock absorbers while ignoring your own. If your immediate thought during this study was, "Man, I really hope my brother-in-law or my coworker is listening to this," you're looking at the wrong vehicle. The only suspension system you are responsible for maintaining is your own.
Don't use "Making Allowance" as an excuse to be a doormat. Being a shock absorber doesn't mean you let people drive recklessly all over you without boundaries. Shocks are tough, engineered components designed to maintain control, not collapse under the weight. You can absorb a bump with grace while still having honest conversations about the road conditions.
Applying It Well
Read it Through the Identity Mirror
To apply this correctly, you must always look at verse 12 through the lens of your secure identity. Before you try to "put on" kindness or patience, spend time meditating on the fact that the Creator of the universe has already chosen you and called you dearly loved. True behavior change flows from a secure identity, not from a place of religious performance.
Think of it this way: you don't put on a tuxedo to convince people you're invited to the wedding gala; you put it on because you already have the invitation in your hand.
Audit Your Suspension System Daily
When you feel yourself getting triggered, snapping back, or harboring bitterness, stop and ask yourself: "Am I acting like a rigid leaf spring right now, or a shock absorber?" Use this mechanical analogy as a regular diagnostic tool to check how you are handling relational friction at home or at work.
Think of it like a dashboard warning light. When someone annoys you and your immediate instinct is to fire back a sarcastic comment, that’s your check-engine light flashing. Stop, pull over, and check your shocks before you blow an axle.
Practice Active Dressing
Treat your spiritual life with the same practical intentionality you use when getting dressed in the morning. Before you turn on your phone, check your email, or talk to your family, consciously decide to put on mercy and patience.
Anticipate the bumps of the day so you aren't caught off guard when they happen. If you know you have a stressful meeting at 9:00 AM or a chaotic family dinner at 6:00 PM, don't walk into the room spiritually naked. Intentionally put on the heavy coat of patience before you step into the storm.
🛠️ Pro-Tips: How to Put This Into Gear This Week
To help you set yourself up for success without sounding like a rigid theologian, here are a few practical habits to build:
The "Morning Mirror" Check: When you are brushing your teeth or putting on your actual clothes for the day, take ten seconds to physically look in the mirror and ask, "What am I wearing spiritually today?" Name the five garments out loud: mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. If you walk out the door without them, you’re exposing yourself to the elements.
Give Your Relationships a "10-Second Delay": When a relational pothole catches you by surprise this week—like an annoying email or a messy house—force yourself to take a 10-second breath before you open your mouth. Use those ten seconds to let the grace Jesus gave you fill up your suspension system so you can absorb the hit rather than snapping back metal-on-metal.
Celebrate the Smooth Rides: When you actually manage to hold your tongue, extend forgiveness, or stay patient under pressure, take a moment to thank God for it! Upgrading your suspension system takes time, and every bump you successfully absorb without rattling the passengers is a massive win for the kingdom.
Questions to Chew on and Discuss:
These questions are designed to help you personally dig deeper into the passage and help guide your discussions in your Journey Groups and Me & 3 small groups.
Look Closely
(What does the passage say?)
What are the five specific character traits that Paul explicitly commands the Colossians to "put on" like clothing in verse 12?
According to verse 13, what is the ultimate standard or ultimate reason given for why followers of Jesus are required to forgive those who offend them?
What three specific titles does Paul use at the very beginning of verse 12 to describe the true identity of the believers before he gives them any commands?
Dig Deeper
(What did it mean?)
Why do you think Paul chose the metaphor of "clothing" or "getting dressed" to explain how we should practice virtues like humility and patience every day?
How does understanding the cultural background—that traits like humility were despised as signs of weakness in the Roman world—change the way you view Paul's command?
Based on the shock absorber analogy, what is the core difference between simply "ignoring a problem" and biblically "making allowance" for someone's faults?
Let It Sink In
(What is God showing me?)
When you look at the list of grace garments (mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience), which one feels the most natural for you to wear, and which one feels like a stiff coat you actively try to avoid putting on?
Think about a recent conflict you experienced. In that moment, did your heart react more like a rigid leaf spring with zero give, or a functioning shock absorber that soaked up the impact? Why?
How does it make you feel deep down to realize that God calls you "chosen, holy, and dearly loved" before He ever asks you to change your behavior?
Live It Out
(What will I do?)
What is one practical step you can take tomorrow morning to intentionally "put on" your new wardrobe before you interact with your family, coworkers, or neighbors?
Think of a specific person in your life who acts like a major "pothole" or source of friction. How will you intentionally choose to "make allowance" for them this week instead of hitting back?
Is there a past offense or lingering grudge you are currently passing along through gossip or cold shoulders? What does it look like for you to drop that debt and absorb the cost of that bump today?
Journey Group OR ME & 3 Small Group Discussion Starters:
Whether you're helping facilitate a small group, talking about this passage one-on-one with a friend, or even just need a topic to guide the conversation at the dinner table, these ideas can help start a good group conversation before you dive into the passage and questions in this study guide.
Discussion Starter Ideas:
The Rags vs. Uniform Story: Have everyone in the group share a quick story about a time they showed up to an event completely misdressed for the occasion (e.g., wearing a suit to a backyard barbecue, or wearing shorts to a winter event). How did it feel to wear the wrong clothes for that environment? Use that funny memory to transition into discussing how we often show up to messy relationship environments wearing the "wrong spiritual clothes."
The Trail Report: Ask the group to imagine their closest relationships right now as a driving trail. Is the road currently smooth and easy, or are they navigating a brutal stretch of washboards and deep potholes? Have each person share whether they feel like their personal "shock absorbers" are working beautifully right now or if they feel completely worn out, metal-on-metal, and ready for a mechanical upgrade.
Sum It Up
Following Jesus isn't a passive emotion; it requires a daily, intentional choice to change our spiritual wardrobe and upgrade how we handle human relationships. Because our identity is completely secure as people who are chosen and deeply loved by God, we are commanded to throw away our old, toxic habits like dirty rags and put on the clean garments of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
Because life is messy and full of relational potholes, we are called to act like functioning shock absorbers in our communities—expecting people to be imperfect, soaking up the impact of offenses through forgiveness, and refusing to pass the painful shudders along to the people around us. We don't forgive because people deserve it; we forgive because Jesus has already beautifully absorbed the massive cost of our own debt.
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There is something about stepping away from the "safe structures" of the city and into the stillness of the high desert that clears the noise and lets you hear God's voice.
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