Christian Marriage Isn't for Your Happiness (It's for Your Holiness)
- Tammy Fager
- Oct 25
- 9 min read
Blog by Tammy Fager
Is there any greater myth than the one that says, "Marriage is all about finding your soulmate and living happily ever after?"
The truth is, when a married couple stands before God and makes a sacred covenant, they are entering an institution of marriage that is far more profound than our culture often allows. For a Christian couple, the meaning of marriage is less about personal fulfillment and more about profound, daily sanctification.
Simply put: Your good marriage is designed to make you holy more than to make you happy. Every act of grace, every moment of perseverance, and every selfless choice to love your spouse is a small, quiet act of creating a stronger, more Christ-centered union. It's a journey of character building, not just co-existence. The truth is, it's a refining fire, not a fairy tale ending.
The wedding day is merely the sealing of a promise; the rest of your life is the slow, intentional work of keeping that promise, transforming two individuals into a lifelong testimony of faithful love.
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The Divine Blueprint: The Image of Christ
The single most important biblical reason for marriage is found in Ephesians 5: it’s meant to be an image of Christ and the Church. That's a good thing, but also a deeply challenging one.
The Head of the Church and the Head of the Wife: The husband is called the head of the wife as Christ Jesus is the head of the church. This isn't a license for a young man to dominate; it’s a terrifyingly high call for the husband to exercise leadership through sacrificial love. He must love his own wife like Christ Jesus loved us—giving up everything for her.
The Example of Christ: For the married woman, her supportive role isn't about being subservient; it’s about responding to her husband's love with profound respect, mirroring the Church's response to Christ. It creates a deep unity that speaks volumes to the world.
When we focus on our own power or our own understanding, we miss this divine purpose. The only way to pull this off is through the power of the Holy Spirit and the light of God’s word.
The Great Irony: Why Hard Work is a Good Gift
Every married couple knows that at some point, the fairy tale ends and the hard work begins. You are two sinners living under one roof, and inevitable conflicts will arise. This is where marriage becomes a good gift.
The Scrutiny of Sanctification: Your spouse—the one person who knows you best—will highlight the sharp edges of your character. They are God's primary tool to teach you patience, gentleness, and self-control, which are the fruit of the spirit. You learn to put aside a record of wrongs because God's grace reminds you that you have been forgiven infinitely more.
The Kind of Love You Need: We often look for the "soulmate" who makes us feel complete. God gives us a partner who makes us need Him more. You learn to choose to serve your husband or wife's needs and the interests of others—this is the kind of love that transforms you into the image of Christ.
This is why older couples emphasize commitment. It takes a long time for this spiritual refinement to happen. The commitment you made at the wedding ceremony is the anchor that holds you steady through the tough seasons. Commitment provides the stability and resilience necessary for a marriage to mature, not just endure.
Practical Anchors: Navigating the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth
The search for a healthy marriage often leads young people to marriage books and Christian marriage counseling. While these are good reasons to seek guidance, the most effective tools are simple biblical principles.
Communications | : | Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Don't keep a record of wrongs. |
Financial Health: | Practice deep unity. Pray over every major financial decision and focus on shared, kingdom of heaven goals. | |
Commitment: | . | Love is a constant act of the will. Your spouse is your good work—be faithful to the covenant, not just the emotion. |
The ultimate hope of glory for the Christian life is to be completely transformed into Christ's likeness. The beautiful, messy, challenging beauty of marriage is the chosen classroom for that transformation.
So, don't seek a flawless marriage; seek a faithful one. That's the best way to ensure your own marriage is a genuine reflection of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
More Than "I Do": The Secret to a Truly Healthy Marriage
Every young Christian dreams of a good marriage—a joyful union that lasts a long time. But the Christian journey in matrimony is fundamentally different from the world's view, setting a standard that requires more than just romance.
If you search for Christian marriage advice, the most popular search results all point to the same truth: a marriage anchored in Jesus Christ is a sacred covenant, not a simple contract. This covenant is built on specific biblical reasons and powerful principles that give us the strength to navigate the inevitable conflicts of life together.
Here is the Christian blueprint for building a resilient, Christ-centered union.
1. The Core Foundation: A Purpose-Driven Love
The primary purpose of a good marriage is not your personal happiness, but your growth in holiness, reflecting the image of Christ and the Church. The goal is not merely happiness, but holiness. A married couple that prioritizes their relationship with Gods truth and the Holy Spirit will find that the bond between them grows stronger. As Gods grace works in your Christian life, it teaches you to love you husband or wife with a kind of love that is sacrificial, enduring and modeled after the example of Christ.
Love as Christ Loved: The Bible calls the husband to love his wife with a love that is sacrificial. This is not just a feeling; it is an action that means putting the wife’s needs and the interests of others above his own. This provides the foundation for the good wife to offer respect and support.
A Deeper Unity: This sacrificial love creates a deep unity that goes beyond shared hobbies or material things. It is a spiritual unity, where the married couple is constantly pushing each other toward a deeper understanding of God and relying on God’s grace to forgive and grow. The Bible reminds us that where two or more gather in His name, He is there. In your marriage this means inviting God into your daily life and struggles. Making it a habit to pray for and with your spouse on a regular basis helps to lay all of your hopes, fears and concerns on the table, not just between you but before God.
2. Practical Pillars: Mastering Communication and Conflict
The path to a healthy marriage is paved with intentional action. Two of the most challenging ones involve how we talk and how we fight.
Communication: Speaking the Truth in Love: Effective communication requires more than just talking; it requires hearing. Many couples find understanding their spouse's love languages to be a good gift. Knowing if your partner feels most loved through Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, or Receiving Gifts unlocks different ways to speak love right into their heart. The key is to address issues without bitterness or harshness (Ephesians 4:31-32).
Facing Inevitable Conflicts: No marriage is immune to inevitable conflicts. The difference in a Christian marriage is that we address them with the goal of reconciliation, not winning. Instead of keeping a record of wrongs, we extend forgiveness because we have received it. We rely on the power of the Holy Spirit and the fruit of the spirit (patience, kindness, gentleness) to navigate these moments, rather than our own power. Be quick to say “I’m sorry”. The words I’m sorry” and “I love you” are considered some of the most important in any Christian marriage. Being quick to apologize, even when you feel your spouse may be equally or more at fault demonstrates humility and releases pressure in the relationship.
3. The Anchor: A Lifetime Covenant
For Christians, making a commitment today, remember the profound biblical reason for your vows: your marriage is a covenant, witnessed by God that serves as a living testimony to the Gospel.
This knowledge gives married couples the strength to endure tough seasons and not give up when the feelings fade. It's a commitment to a long time partnership, where the hope of glory is that you finish your race together, having accomplished the good work of becoming more like Jesus Christ.
In a world that offers endless exit ramps, the sacred covenant of a Christian marriage calls us to stay, to serve, and to trust that God is using this precious union to refine and perfect us both. That is the true secret to a healthy marriage.
4. The Great Irony: Why Hard Work is a Good Gift
Every married couple knows that at some point, the fairy tale ends and the hard work begins. You are two sinners living under one roof, and inevitable conflicts will arise. This is where marriage becomes a good gift.
The Scrutiny of Sanctification: Your spouse—the one person who knows you best—will highlight the sharp edges of your character. They are God's primary tool to teach you patience, gentleness, and self-control, which are the fruit of the spirit. You learn to put aside a record of wrongs because God's grace reminds you that you have been forgiven infinitely more.
The Kind of Love You Need: We often look for the "soulmate" who makes us feel complete. God gives us a partner who makes us need Him more. You learn to choose to serve your wife's needs and the interests of others—this is the kind of love that transforms you into the image of Christ.
This is why older couples emphasize commitment. It takes a long time for this spiritual refinement to happen. The commitment you made at the wedding ceremony is the anchor that holds you steady through the tough seasons.
The ultimate hope of glory for the Christian life is to be completely transformed into Christ's likeness. The beautiful, messy, challenging beauty of marriage is the chosen classroom for that transformation.
So, don't seek a flawless marriage; seek a faithful one. That's the best way to ensure your own marriage is a genuine reflection of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
There are so many benefits to a long standing Christian marriage. Here are just a few things to remember:
Shared Faith: Your faith in God deepens together through the highs and lows of life.
Shared Depth: As you grow old, you share a mutual history that weaves the fabric of your lives together.
Shared Familiarity: You become accustomed to and accept your spouse's qualities, knowing their likes and dislikes, and adapting to one another.
Shared Family Bond: Your children and grandchildren have the stability of a home with both parents/grandparents married under one roof, building a positive legacy.
Shared Friendship: Your friendship deepens through the years as you share hopes, dreams, vacations, and daily life, appreciating each other's companionship.
Shared Intimacy: You experience the joys of making love through the years, and as you age, physical changes become an opportunity to show unconditional love and tenderness.
Shared Health Benefits: Studies repeatedly show that married people tend to have significantly healthier lives and lower mortality rates.
Shared Legacy: You know each other's families and, more importantly, are building a legacy that shows the next generation that marriage matters and commitments are kept.
Takeaway Challenge:
Pick one of the “big three” words – I’m sorry, I love you, or let’s pray and commit to saying it with sincerity to your spouse at least once every day this week. A strong Christian marriage is built one loving, intentional, and Christ-centered word at a time.
It's so wonderful to share a bit of our story with you!
You know, writing a post about marriage just wouldn't feel complete without introducing you to my lifelong adventure partner, Bruce Fager, and giving you the scoop on what we’ve been up to after 38 incredible years together.
💕 Meet My Bruce
Bruce is the visionary artist and total driving force behind God's Country Art, which is our beloved chainsaw carving business. Honestly, I'm continually blown away by his ability to visualize and create art—it's an extraordinary talent that was mostly shelved while he worked a lifetime career in law enforcement. Since he retired, watching him revitalize his passion and creativity has been pure joy.
Bruce has always been an exceptional husband and father; his commitment to our family has never wavered. His meticulous attention to detail (he calls it "perfectionism!") shows up in every single, remarkable piece of art he creates. He is, simply put, my absolute best friend.
🎨 Carving Out a New Adventure
Now, as for me—Tammy! I recently retired, too, and I've jumped in to be the vibrant force tackling the sales, marketing, and business management side of God's Country Art. Bruce will quickly tell you I'm way better than him in those areas, and after 38 years of marriage, we truly are an unbeatable team!
Our marriage has always been our foundation. We raised two wonderful kids, and now we're excitedly carving out this new season of life together. Beyond the business, we share a deep love for the outdoors—traveling, hiking, hunting, and fishing across the Northwest. Seeing Bruce relax, pour his unmatched work ethic into his art, and rediscover his excitement has been incredibly refreshing for us both.
We are so excited for the years ahead—exploring breathtaking places to find unique wood, carving out new adventures, and creating awe-inspiring art that brings God’s beauty to life for everyone to enjoy. Life and business take a team, and I honestly can’t fathom this journey without my husband and best friend right here by my side!
Would you like to hear more about how we blend our marriage philosophy with our art business?
Check out GodsCountryArt.com
Thanks TF, Great work!
WOW! Beautifully written. Praise God.
Really good words and solid biblical advice!
Thanks for sharing Tammy. Well written.
Great topic and really well said!