How to Become Unoffendable: Finding Joy and Freedom in Christ
How Do We Develop a Faith That Isn’t Easily Shaken?
Have you noticed how easy it is to become offended or inadvertantly offend someone these days? Someone doesn’t respond to your text. A family member or friend makes an
insensitive comment. Or, heaven forbid, a stranger posts something online that rubs you the wrong way. This seems to be the way of the world nowadays.
And if we unknowingly offend someone who won’t tell us how we did it—and then simply stops speaking to us, how do we deal with that?
Before we know it, we’ve replayed the conversation a dozen times, imagined what we should have said, and allowed someone else to occupy far too much space in our minds! The silence can feel heavier than the original offense. We wonder for months or even years what we could have possibly done to cause the situation.
If we’re honest, we’ve all been on both sides of offense. We’ve been hurt by the words or actions of others, and we’ve also unknowingly offended someone ourselves. When it
happens and the other person refuses to talk about it, it opens a whole other can of worms that can play in our minds for a ridiculously long time.
Long ago, I had a close friend who one day stopped talking to me. I had no idea why and I tried connecting with her for literally years before she finally opened up to me about what had offended her. It sat in the back of my mind all of that time, as I replayed what could have possibly happened.
The fact is that sometimes people make mountains out of molehills in their own minds, leaving us completely confused and clueless.
Unfortunately, living in a fallen world means offense is inevitable.
Jesus told His disciples:
“It is impossible that no offenses should come…” (Luke 17:1, NKJV)
Notice what Jesus didn’t promise. He didn’t promise we’d never be misunderstood or criticized. He simply said offenses would come.
The question isn’t whether we’ll be offended or whether we’ll ever offend someone else. The question is what we’ll do when it happens. How do we become unoffendable?
Secure People Are Hard to Offend
One thought has been rolling around in my mind lately: Secure people are hard to offend.
Think about Jesus. He was mocked, misunderstood, rejected and betrayed by one of His closest friends! He was abandoned and falsely accused and ultimately crucified.
Yet offense never dictated His response. Even while hanging on the cross, Jesus prayed,
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34)
That isn’t weakness. That’s complete confidence in the Father’s love. Jesus didn’t need everyone’s approval because He already knew exactly who He was.
I wonder how much of our own offense comes from forgetting whose we are?
Paul Chose Joy Over Offense
If anyone had a reason to be offended, it was Paul.
He was beaten.
Imprisoned.
Rejected.
Falsely accused.
Deserted by friends.
Constantly criticized.
Yet one word keeps appearing throughout his letters: joy.
One of the most remarkable examples is found in Philippians. While Paul sat in prison, some people were preaching Christ with selfish motives, hoping to stir up more trouble for him. Can you imagine? If it were me, I’d probably be writing a strongly worded letter about how
unfair everything was… and then rewriting it three times to make sure it sounded spiritual enough.
Instead, Paul wrote:
“What then? Only that in every way… Christ is proclaimed, and in this I rejoice.” (Philippians 1:18)
What an incredible perspective. Paul acknowledged that people had bad motives, but he refused to let their behavior become the focus of his heart. His eyes stayed on Christ.
That’s an unoffendable spirit!
When We’ve Offended Someone Who Won’t Speak to Us
This is the part that often feels the most helpless. You didn’t mean to hurt them. You may not even know what you did. And now the door is closed.
Scripture gives us a clear path forward without demanding that we force reconciliation:
Examine your own heart honestly. Ask the Lord if there is something you need to own, even if the other person won’t talk about it.
If an opportunity arises, pursue peace as far as it depends on you (Romans 12:18). A simple, humble apology offered without pressure can sometimes open a door. Sometimes it doesn’t.
When the other person refuses to engage, release them. You cannot control their response, their timeline, or their willingness to talk. Continuing to chase someone who has closed the door often only deepens the wound for both of you.
Pray for them—and for your own peace. Then lay the situation down. Carrying the mystery of “what did I do?” for years does not honor God or help the other person. It only steals your joy.
You are responsible for your own heart and your own part. You are not responsible for forcing someone else to process their offense with you.
We Spend Too Much Energy Carrying Offense
Author Brant Hansen, in his book Unoffendable, makes a simple but powerful observation: “Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right.”
I also appreciate Hansen’s ability to help us laugh at ourselves. Have you ever replayed a conversation in your head and suddenly come up with the perfect response… three days later? I’ve won a lot of imaginary arguments in the shower. The only problem is the other person wasn’t there to hear my brilliant comeback. (And let’s be honest—by the time I finally delivered that speech in my head, it was so polished it probably deserved a standing ovation.)
Or maybe you’ve rehearsed a speech you’ll probably never give to someone who probably hasn’t thought about the situation nearly as much as you have. It’s funny. But it’s also exhausting.
Nothing Reaches Us Without Passing Through God’s Hands
One truth has become an anchor for me: Nothing enters my life without first passing through God’s hands.
That doesn’t mean God causes sinful behavior. People are still responsible for their choices. But God is never surprised.
Paul reminds us in Romans 8:28:
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
Sometimes the difficult people in our lives—or the ones who suddenly stop speaking to us—become God’s instruments for shaping our character. Instead of only asking, “Why would they do this to me?” perhaps we should also ask, “Lord, what are You trying to teach me through this?”
Joy Is an Inside Job
One of my favorite verses in Philippians says:
“I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content.” (Philippians 4:11)
Did you catch that word? Learned. Contentment wasn’t automatic for Paul. Neither is becoming unoffendable. It’s something God patiently teaches us.
The world constantly tries to place conditions on our joy:
“I’ll be happy when they apologize.”
“I’ll have peace when they finally appreciate me.”
“I’ll feel better when they admit they were wrong.”
“I’ll move on when I finally know what I did wrong.”
Those conditions can chain us down.
Paul wrote about rejoicing while sitting in prison. Why? Because joy wasn’t coming from his circumstances. It was coming from Christ. Galatians 5 tells us joy is fruit produced by the Holy Spirit.
People may throw their cynicism, bitterness, or silence our direction. We don’t have to catch it!
Guard Your Heart, Not Your Reputation
Proverbs 4:23 tells us,
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Notice Scripture doesn’t say to guard your reputation. It says to guard your heart.
People will misunderstand you. Some will criticize you no matter what you do. Others will assign motives you never had, or simply walk away without explanation. You can’t control any of that. You can control what you allow to take root in your heart.
Humility Leaves Less Room for Offense
Paul gives another important key in Philippians:
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)
Offense often grows where pride has been wounded. Humility changes our perspective. It doesn’t mean thinking less of yourself. It means becoming less consumed with yourself. The more secure we are in Christ, the less energy we spend protecting our ego or demanding explanations from people who won’t give them.
Healthy Boundaries Are Biblical
Being unoffendable does not mean becoming a doormat.
Jesus set healthy boundaries. He walked away from hostile crowds. He didn’t entrust Himself to everyone (John 2:24). Forgiveness and wisdom walk hand in hand.
Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is forgive someone while limiting their ability to continue causing harm, or simply releasing them when they have already limited access themselves.
Boundaries protect peace. Bitterness destroys it.
Don’t Carry Around a Backpack Full of Rocks
I’ve realized something lately. Sometimes we’re carrying around a backpack full of rocks that Jesus already invited us to lay down. Why keep hauling them around? Freedom feels much lighter. (And it frees up both hands for better things—like waving at people or holding a really good cup of coffee.)
Don’t allow someone else’s bitterness—or their silence,to shrink the joy God placed inside you! Don’t become a smaller, dimmer version of yourself because someone else chose negativity or distance.
Hold tightly to what makes your soul come alive. Laugh. Create. Serve. Encourage someone. Worship. Keep becoming the person God created you to be.
Love Doesn’t Keep Score
One of the most convicting things Paul ever wrote is found in 1 Corinthians 13:
Love… “keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)
If I’m honest, sometimes my memory works a little too well. I can remember things people
said years ago. Maybe you can too. It’s almost like carrying around a filing cabinet labeled “Evidence.”
Love quietly wheels that filing cabinet out to the curb. It stops building a case. It chooses grace.
That doesn’t mean pretending sin never happened. It means refusing to let yesterday’s wounds, or yesterday’s unexplained silence—define today’s heart.
Final Thoughts
Being unoffendable doesn’t mean pretending nothing hurts. It means becoming so deeply rooted in Christ that hurt no longer has the final say.
Jesus modeled it.
Paul lived it.
And through the power of the Holy Spirit, God is teaching us to do the same.
The more convinced we become of God’s love, the less desperate we are for everyone else’s approval or explanation. The more secure our identity becomes in Christ, the harder we are to offend—and the freer we become when others choose to stay offended at us.
After all, if Jesus has already declared who we are, why would we let someone else’s opinion, or their silence—become louder than His?
Freedom begins the moment we stop handing other people control over our peace.
Because when Christ is your source of joy, no one else gets to decide whether you have it.
Study Questions
Jesus said offenses are inevitable (Luke 17:1). Why do you think He warned us about this instead of promising we’d never experience them?
Think about a recent situation where you felt offended—or where someone stopped speaking to you. What was actually wounded: your heart, your expectations, your pride, or something else?
Proverbs 19:11 says, “It is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” When is it wise to overlook an offense, and when might a loving conversation (or a humble apology) be necessary?
How does remembering that nothing reaches you without passing through God’s hands affect the way you view difficult people—or people who have closed the door?
Are there any “imaginary arguments” or unanswered questions you’ve been replaying in your mind that it’s time to surrender to God?
Is there someone you need to forgive? Is there also a healthy boundary you need to establish or accept?
What practical step can you take this week to guard your heart instead of guarding your reputation or chasing explanations?
How would your relationships (and your peace) change if your joy came completely from Christ instead of from the approval or understanding of others?
Prayer
Father, thank You for the grace You’ve shown me through Jesus Christ. Forgive me for the times I’ve allowed offense, or the mystery of someone else’s silence, to steal my joy and distract me from Your peace. Teach me to respond with humility instead of pride, forgiveness instead of bitterness, and wisdom instead of endless replaying.
When I have hurt others, give me the courage to own my part if the door is open, and the peace to release them when it is closed. Help me become so rooted in Your love that offense loses its power over me. Guard my heart. Keep my eyes on Jesus. In His name, Amen.
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Meet the author and Her Partner in Faith:
Tammy and Bruce have been married for 39 years, navigating life as best friends and partners in faith. Their days are a beautiful mix of service and creativity: Tammy serves her community as an active EMT when she isn't on the road, while Bruce, a retired Law Enforcement officer, is the visionary artist behind God’s Country Art.
Between the adrenaline of emergency medicine and the peace of the open road, Tammy is a lifelong writer currently editing her debut Christian Fantasy novel, Beyond the Mirror’s Edge.
Together, they are devoted parents and grandparents who find God’s handiwork in everything—from a life-saving moment in the field to a quiet piece of hand-carved wood. Whether through fellowship with others online at Your Jesus Journey, or a campfire chat at a new campsite, they are committed to sharing the love of Christ one mile at a time.
You can see some of Bruce's handiwork at Godscountryart.com
Thank you, Tammy, for this thoughtful article. This gives me a lot to think about, in dealing with people and with my own heart.