Transformation Happens When People Stop Pretending
- Thad DeBuhr
- May 25
- 13 min read
Follow Jesus Together - Day 2
There are people who can spend years surrounded by others and still feel completely unknown.
They know how to smile at church. They know how to answer questions quickly. They know how to keep conversations moving without ever letting anyone too close. When someone asks how they are doing, the answer comes almost automatically.
“Good.”“Busy.”“Hanging in there.”
Meanwhile, underneath those carefully managed responses, real struggles are growing quietly. Maybe their marriage feels disconnected. Maybe anxiety keeps them awake at night. Maybe they feel spiritually dry and distant from God. Maybe they are carrying shame, disappointment, loneliness, or exhaustion that nobody else sees.
And over time, pretending becomes tiring.
Most people do not wake up one morning and decide to live emotionally hidden. Usually, it happens slowly. Somewhere along the way, they learned it felt safer to manage their image than to risk being known honestly. Some learned that weakness gets judged. Others were hurt when they tried to open up in the past. Some simply became so used to surface-level relationships that they no longer know how to move beyond them.
But something powerful happens when a person finally encounters a safe place to tell the truth.
Not perform. Not impress. Not pretend.
Just tell the truth.
That is where this lesson begins.
Because transformation rarely happens in environments where people constantly hide. Real spiritual growth usually begins when people become honest enough to stop pretending and humble enough to stop carrying everything alone.
That is exactly what we see in James 5, Galatians 6, and in one of the most powerful stories Jesus ever told: the story of the prodigal son.
As you go through the study guide, I would suggest reading or listening to the Bible passages in two different bible translations from this list: NIV, NLT, NASB, ESV, NKJV
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Setting the scene:
The book of James feels incredibly modern because it deals with very human struggles. James is not interested in shallow religion or empty spiritual language. Throughout his letter, he keeps pressing people toward a faith that actually changes how they live. He talks about speech, anger, suffering, wisdom, patience, pride, relationships, and integrity. Again and again, James pushes readers toward honesty.
By the time we reach James 5:16, James is speaking to believers who are carrying real burdens. Some are suffering physically. Others are discouraged or spiritually weary. Some are likely hiding struggles from one another while trying to maintain appearances.
Into that environment James writes:
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
To modern readers, this verse can feel uncomfortable. In many churches, confession has either been ignored completely or handled in unhealthy ways. But in the ancient world, this command would have been just as challenging. Jewish culture, like much of the Roman world, cared deeply about honor and reputation. Public shame carried enormous social weight. People carefully guarded their image and standing in the community.
Yet James tells believers not to live hidden from one another.
The word translated “confess” carries the idea of speaking openly or agreeing truthfully. James is not calling for dramatic public humiliation. He is describing relationships where people stop pretending long enough to walk honestly together before God.
This is deeply connected to healing. Not because every confession immediately removes every struggle, but because honesty breaks isolation. And isolation often keeps people trapped far longer than the struggle itself.
Galatians 6 adds another layer to this idea. Paul tells believers:
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
The image is simple but powerful. A burden is something heavy enough that it becomes difficult to carry alone. Paul’s point is that following Jesus was never designed to happen in isolation. God often uses other people to help carry emotional, spiritual, and practical weight.
This is something modern Western readers sometimes miss because we tend to approach spirituality very individually. We often think of faith primarily as “my relationship with God.” But the New Testament was written in deeply communal cultures where identity was strongly connected to family and community life. People survived together. Celebrated together. Grieved together. Worshiped together. Suffered together.
That cultural background helps explain why the New Testament constantly repeats phrases like:
“one another”
“bear one another’s burdens”
“encourage one another”
“pray for one another”
“forgive one another”
The Christian life was never meant to be lived alone.
And that truth becomes especially clear in the story of the prodigal son.
Summary of the Main Teaching
One of the most powerful things about the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15 is that it is not merely a story about rebellion. It is a story about isolation, pride, honesty, and return.
Jesus tells the story of a younger son who demands his inheritance early. In that culture, this would have been deeply offensive. It was essentially saying to the father, “I want what belongs to you more than I want relationship with you.” The son then leaves home and walks away from the safety, provision, accountability, and belonging that came with being part of the family.
At first, independence probably felt freeing. No rules. No oversight. No responsibility to anyone else. But over time, the freedom he chased slowly turned into emptiness.
Eventually, the son loses everything. Jesus says he ends up feeding pigs, which would have been shocking to Jewish listeners. Pigs were considered unclean animals. Jesus is intentionally painting a picture of someone who has fallen incredibly far emotionally, spiritually, socially, and physically.
Then comes one of the most important lines in the story:
“When he came to his senses…” (Luke 15:17)
That phrase marks the turning point.
The son finally becomes honest.
He stops blaming. Stops pretending. Stops convincing himself that his way is working.
He realizes that isolation has not brought freedom. It has brought brokenness.
But one of the most important details in the story is that honesty alone is not the end of the transformation. The son does not merely sit in the pigpen thinking humble thoughts. He gets up and returns home.
That physical movement matters.
Many people today privately acknowledge they are struggling, but they never actually move toward trusted community. They know they need help. They know they are isolated. They know something needs to change. But pride keeps them distant.
The prodigal son humbles himself enough to return.
And notice his posture when he does. He no longer comes demanding status or control. He comes willing to accept whatever the father is willing to give him. Even the lowest position near the father suddenly sounds better than isolation.
Then Jesus gives one of the most moving images in all of Scripture.
The father runs toward him.
In first-century Jewish culture, older men did not run publicly. It was considered undignified. Yet Jesus intentionally describes the father running toward the son before the son can earn anything back.
The message is powerful: restoration begins when people stop hiding and humbly return home.
This connects deeply to James 5 and Galatians 6. Healing often begins when people stop pretending they can carry everything alone and allow trusted people to walk with them honestly.
That is why real conversations matter so much.
Many people spend years attending church while remaining emotionally hidden. They know Bible information, but nobody truly knows them. They have learned how to manage appearances instead of walking honestly in community.
But real discipleship grows when people begin having honest conversations. Not forced vulnerability. Not emotional chaos. Not public oversharing. But safe, truthful relationships where people can gradually stop hiding.
That is why simple questions matter.
Sometimes transformation begins with someone finally asking: “How are you REALLY doing?”
And then staying quiet long enough to listen.
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Why We Look at "Wrong" and "Right" Applications
Passages about confession, honesty, and vulnerability can easily be misunderstood. Some churches avoid them almost completely because they fear emotional messiness. Other groups misuse them and create environments where people feel pressured to expose deeply personal struggles publicly before trust has even been built.
Neither extreme reflects the heart of Scripture.
James is not teaching public humiliation. Paul is not encouraging emotional dumping. And Jesus is not celebrating reckless vulnerability without wisdom or trust.
The goal of biblical honesty is healing, restoration, burden carrying, humility, and deeper connection with God and others.
So it matters deeply that we approach these passages carefully and thoughtfully.
❌ APPLYING IT WRONG
1. One unhealthy way people apply these passages is by confusing vulnerability with immediate oversharing.
Sometimes people hear teaching about honesty and assume they should instantly tell everyone every detail about their life. But healthy trust develops slowly. Even Jesus had different levels of closeness with different people. Wisdom still matters.
2. Another wrong application happens when confession becomes a tool for shame or control.
Sadly, some church environments have weaponized vulnerability. People were pressured into public exposure without safety, trust, or compassion. That usually creates fear instead of healing. James 5 was never meant to create humiliation. It was meant to create restoration.
3. Another mistake is pretending spiritual maturity means never struggling.
Many believers quietly assume mature Christians should always appear strong, confident, and emotionally steady. But Scripture repeatedly shows faithful people struggling honestly. David pours out grief and confusion in the Psalms. Peter fails publicly. Paul openly admits weakness. Biblical maturity is not pretending you have no struggles. It is learning how to bring struggles honestly before God and trusted people.
4. Perhaps the most common modern mistake is privately admitting struggle while refusing to reconnect relationally.
This is exactly what the prodigal son challenges. The turning point was not merely that he felt broken. It was that he got up and returned home. Many people today stay spiritually stuck because pride keeps them relationally distant. They know they need help, but they remain isolated.
✅ Applying it the Right Way:
1. Build Trust Slowly Instead of Forcing Vulnerability
Healthy biblical community is not built through pressure or forced openness. Trust grows slowly over time through consistency, honesty, compassion, and safe interactions. People usually do not open up deeply in the first conversation, and that is okay.
A healthy group understands that vulnerability is earned, not demanded.
Good Example:
Instead of pressuring someone to share deeply right away, a group leader consistently creates a safe environment where people feel heard, respected, and cared for over time. Eventually, people begin opening up naturally because trust has been built slowly and genuinely.
2. Leaders Should Model Honesty First
Groups usually only become as honest as their leaders are willing to be. If leaders always appear polished, emotionally guarded, or “spiritually perfect,” everyone else usually stays guarded too.
That does not mean leaders should emotionally dump every struggle onto the group. It means they should model humility, honesty, and authenticity appropriately.
When leaders admit weakness, ask for prayer, or speak honestly about challenges, it gives others permission to stop pretending too.
Good Example:
A leader says:“Honestly, I’ve been feeling spiritually tired lately and trying to trust God through it. I’d appreciate prayer.”
That simple honesty often creates space for others to finally become honest too.
3. Ask Better Questions Instead of Accepting Surface-Level Answers
Most conversations stay shallow because nobody risks going deeper. Many people are waiting for someone safe enough to ask a real question and patient enough to actually listen.
Real conversations often begin with intentional questions that invite honesty without forcing it.
Good Example:
Instead of simply asking:“How are you?”
Try asking:
“How are you REALLY doing lately?”
“What’s been weighing on you?”
“What’s been difficult spiritually recently?”
“How can I genuinely pray for you this week?”
Simple questions like these often open the door to meaningful conversations.
4. Listen Before Trying to Fix Everything
One of the biggest mistakes people make in conversations is rushing to solve problems too quickly. Sometimes people do not immediately need advice. They need someone who will listen, care, pray, and stay present with them.
James 1:19 says:
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…”
Listening is one of the simplest and most powerful ways to love people well.
Good Example:
Instead of immediately giving advice, a person responds with:“Thank you for being honest about that. That sounds really heavy. How can I support you right now?”
Often healing begins when someone finally feels heard.
5. Use Technology to Strengthen Real Relationships
Today, many meaningful spiritual conversations happen through:
Zoom calls
group texts
voice messages
FaceTime
online Bible studies
phone conversations
That does not make the relationships less real.
The early church used the communication tools available to them, including letters, travel routes, homes, and public gathering places. Today we use digital tools to stay connected across distance.
Technology becomes unhealthy when it replaces authentic relationship. But it becomes incredibly powerful when it strengthens authentic relationship.
Good Example:
A Journey Group or a Me & 3 Group may meet weekly on Zoom while staying connected throughout the week through prayer texts, voice messages, encouragement, and occasional in-person gatherings when possible.
Consistency matters more than proximity alone.
6. Take a Real Step Toward Community Instead of Staying Isolated
The prodigal son’s life changed when he stopped running and returned home. He did not simply admit internally that he was struggling. He humbled himself enough to move toward restoration.
Many people today know they are isolated, discouraged, or spiritually stuck, but pride keeps them distant.
Sometimes the next spiritual step is not learning more information.
Sometimes it is:
sending the text
joining the Zoom call
asking for prayer
answering honestly
reconnecting after drifting away
admitting you need help
Good Example:
A person who has been isolated for months finally reaches out and says:“I haven’t been doing well lately, and I think I need community again.”
That one honest step may become the beginning of healing and transformation.
7. Create a Culture Where Honesty Feels Safe
People become honest when they believe they will be met with compassion instead of judgment.
Healthy biblical community creates environments where people know:
they will not be mocked
they will not become gossip topics
they do not have to perform
they are safe to grow imperfectly
Jesus consistently created spaces where broken people felt safe enough to come into the light honestly.
Our groups should reflect that same heart.
Good Example:
When someone shares a struggle, the group responds with compassion, prayer, encouragement, and support instead of shock, shame, or quick criticism.
That kind of environment helps people stop hiding and start healing.
Questions to Chew on and Discuss:
These questions are designed to help you personally dig deeper into the passage and help guide your discussions in your Journey Groups and Me & 3 small groups.
THE FACTS — What Does the Passage Say?
According to James 5:16, what connection exists between confession, prayer, and healing?
What does Galatians 6:2 teach us about carrying burdens together?
In Luke 15, what moments show the prodigal son becoming honest about his condition?
THE MEANING — What Does It Mean?
Why do you think isolation keeps so many people spiritually stuck?
What does the father’s response in Luke 15 teach us about restoration and grace?
How does understanding first-century Jewish culture deepen the meaning of the prodigal son story?
THE HEART — What Am I Hearing?
Where am I most tempted to pretend everything is fine?
What fears make honesty difficult for me?
Are there areas where pride may be keeping me relationally distant from healthy community?
THE HANDS — What Will I Do?
What is one honest conversation I may need to have this week?
Who are trusted people I can begin opening up to more honestly?
What practical step could help me move from isolation toward deeper biblical community?
Journey Group OR ME & 3 Small Group Discussion Starters:
Whether you're helping facilitate a small group, talking about this passage one-on-one with a friend, or even just need a topic to guide the conversation at the dinner table, these ideas can help start a good group conversation before you dive into the passage and questions in this study guide.
Why do you think so many people feel lonely even while surrounded by others?
Have you ever experienced a moment where one honest conversation changed something important in your life?
What helps people feel emotionally safe enough to open up honestly?
How can online community become a healthy tool for real discipleship rather than shallow connection?
🧩 SUM IT UP
Many people spend years looking spiritually fine on the outside while quietly struggling underneath.
But healing often begins where pretending ends.
James reminds us that confession and prayer bring healing. Paul reminds us that burdens were never meant to be carried alone. And Jesus reminds us through the prodigal son that transformation often begins when people humble themselves enough to stop running and come home.
Real discipleship grows where people can tell the truth, ask for prayer, carry burdens together, and consistently show up for one another.
The goal is not perfection.
The goal is honest connection centered around Jesus.
And often, one honest conversation becomes the beginning of real transformation.
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